Thursday is the official first day of spring, but in real life, it’s gonna feel exactly the same as Wednesday. I am craving a big change, something different. Beaches, “drinks with little paper umbrellas” (as my mom likes to put it), warm sunshine; that’s what I’m craving. I realize that all of that will arrive here eventually- but the changing of the seasons is so much slower here. It’s been winter since we came back from our honeymoon- that was 5 months ago. We still have piles of snow, even though we’ve had a few above freezing days lately! I oftentimes wish we lived elsewhere- like, multiple times daily.
I’m craving big changes at work, too. I find myself wishing I’d gone into a different field, but everyday that I go to work, I feel more entrenched in this place, more entwined in my residency. The bars are closing on me in this place. I’m getting more responsibility, which is good for my training, but I was just starting to get comfortable where I was. For example, next month I am officially on the call schedule as the primary overnight resident – and I am in no way ready for this. I mean, in actuality, I am ready for it, but my confidence level at work is still reeling over last month’s fiasco. It’s starting to feel as if there’s no way out for 3 more years, and I want to quit. There, I said it. I want to quit. And I am no quitter- it’s been 9 of the 12 years of post-high school education that are required for this job. I can’t quit, not now. But I need change.
The truth is, I am craving big, fast changes. But just like the seasons, growing in my residency is slow- it’s day by day. I don’t see a big change if I compare a day to the previous one, but at some point over the months, those small changes accumulate to make big changes. I pray for patience with this place, my work, and myself, but I am not, nor have I ever been, a patient person. I wish I could learn my lessons faster.
And I don’t know why it has to be this city that Chris and I are bound to for 3 more years, and I don’t know why I am with some of these people here that I work with, or why God puts certain people in our lives. I wonder about it, a lot. I guess it will all be revealed in good time.
And I pray for all of those in Japan- especially my cousin & her hubby- what a time they are all going through! Here I am complaining about where I live- could I be any more self-centered at the moment?!? Honestly – it makes me get some perspective. I think about and pray for you, Kaitlin and Alan, every day. <3