Do you ever wish you could make time stand still? Boy, do I. Or at least slow it way down (when I want to), or speed it up (when I want to), or just plain go back to simpler, more innocent times? That’s not the way life works…I guess. I suppose it’s about the journey of life, not just about reaching the goals. I couldn’t have told me that in high school, or sometimes even in college. I wish so much that I had taken some time to just…enjoy being a kid. Why did I have to kick butt every single day?? Why couldn’t I just enjoy the stage of life I was in? And why can’t I do that now??
I think this is my problem: I am perpetually looking forward or backward, and very rarely do I allow myself to live in the moment. I am usually preparing for or cleaning up after some goal I’m trying to achieve. But what’s it all for? Oh, Lordy. Not this again. I’ve been down this road before, and I’m sure I’ll be going down this road again. This is my other problem: I ask too many questions.
To some degree, constantly looking forward or backward can be a strength: it allows me to constantly re-evaluate my place in life and to better myself and my surroundings. On the other hand, it can also be my greatest weakness; i.e., I am never enjoying the “here and now.”
I had just turned around good and now I am in my…(shudder for effect) late twenties. Um, excuse me, when did this happen? Not that this isn’t a good time in my life; it is. But where exactly did those years between college and now go? It felt like time stood still while I’ve been in med school and residency. Uh, but as we’ve already discussed- that’s not how life works, and here I am, 6 years later, essentially in the same place I’ve started, but older, some wrinkles, and way more tired. Whose idea was this? (Mine.)
So, I don’t wanna throw a big pout fest, that’s not actually where I meant to go with this post…but this is why so many doctors are poorly adjusted, socially speaking. At least, that’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it.
And sometimes, I get the itch to just pick up and move. Having lived in lots of different places, and moved every 4 years for a majority of my life…it’s weird to have lived in this region for the last 6 years. I’m definitely feeling the itch to move, but where? And when? Obviously now is not the time- I’m contracted for 2 more years up here. As for where? It’ll be wherever Mr. Handsome can get a fellowship. It could be anywhere, anywhere at all. Probably not any of my preferred locations, though. And if he wants to do critical care, it will be another 3 years at whatever location we end up. <– All of this is exactly the type of “looking forward” I can’t seem to get away from.
And after all of that worrying and fretting and thinking and pondering….I’m absolutely no closer to knowing what the next 5 years (or rather where) have in store for me. But I do know this: I gotta get outta here. I caught myself with just the slightest yankee accent when saying “coffee” the other day- it just wasn’t right. Not outta my yes-ma’am-yes-sir-y’all-come-back-now-ya-hear Southern mouth!!! (no offense to Yankees, I married one.)
Probably what all of this boils down to is this: I miss my family. They live in all directions, thousands of miles away from me. I can’t easily see anyone I am related to on a weekend. Sometimes, I just want to have lunch with my Mom, and I can’t. So I’m a little homesick. And, by the way, if all of this moving has taught me anything at all, “home” is not a geographical place, it’s 100% where your heart is, where the family is. It’s anywhere you can walk in a door and get hugs all around, eat dinner with anyone that’s happens to be there, and stay up talking all night, losing track of time, and not even caring that it may make the next day miserable- it was all worth it, and always will be worth it, to connect with the people you love the most. Bottom line: if you’re family and you read this: I miss and love you, even if I don’t say it enough. Sappy soapbox over!