40 Weeks/ Week 1

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I didn’t actually make it to 40 weeks…little Mr. Baby decided that it was time to be born!

My whole life has changed in the course of a week- it’s this amazing, life altering, terrifying, somewhat traumatic, and completely beautiful experience all at once to give birth to another life.  It will have been a week tomorrow that I became a parent- I cannot believe that I am a parent!  
My emotions after my delivery have ranged the entire spectrum.  I am beyond elated that I have my healthy sweet baby boy in my arms.  He is such a miracle, he is so perfect in my eyes.  I was shocked at how intensely and deeply I loved him, even though I just met him.  I couldn’t stand to be separated from him even for a few minutes while they checked him out in the delivery room.  And every day, I fall for him over and over again.  I just keep thinking how he was wonderfully and fearfully made…and I am so lucky to have him.  I love this boy more than anything- and I would do anything for him!  He is my baby, and I am taken aback at how intensely and quickly I became his mama.
At times, I find myself in tears since I’ve been home, for any reason at all, and sometimes for no reason at all.  I felt terrified that I would be a bad mother, that I’m screwing it up.  I felt guilty for the first time I left him with grandma and grandpa while Hubby and I went for ice cream (I apparently needed to get out of the house).  I felt sad that I was no longer pregnant, that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.  I was mourning not being pregnant with him and not feeling every kick, not having him with me every minute of every day.  I felt overcome with joy and yet also terrified of the thought of being a mother.  I felt lonely while feeding him all by myself and when Hubby went back to work.  I became sad at the thought of him growing up and no longer being this perfect little newborn package.  I wonder about what kind of man he will grow up to be.  I worry that I am not doing enough to stimulate him (he sleeps so much!).  I felt so sad when I was told by the pediatrician today that I have to supplement him with formula because I’m not making enough milk yet.  And I worry that I am not letting myself enjoy this stage of his life, just as I sincerely think I didn’t let myself enjoy my pregnancy as much as I should have, because I was too busy worrying if I was “doing it right.”  I need to learn not to be so Type A- I have to learn to roll with the punches, to not be a perfectionist- if I don’t learn these lessons, I will drive myself nuts.  These sad thoughts are not near as often as the happy ones- and everyone says it’s normal to feel the “Baby Blues” for a couple of weeks after delivery, and that it should go away soon.
It’s a beautiful, happy, scary thing to become a parent, and I feel so so blessed to have this wonderful baby boy in my life.  I thank God for him and I am so excited to find out who Baby G is and raise him to be the man God wants him to be!  That might possibly have been the most life altering week of my whole life!  I started this week pregnant, anticipating a baby, and I end this week a parent, grateful and a little terrified, but above all completely in love with the newest addition to our family.
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2 Responses to 40 Weeks/ Week 1

  1. Janet says:

    Laura, he is so beautiful!! We are so happy for all of you!! You will be a wonderful mom. Things won't be perfect, this is earth after all! Relax and enjoy this time with Grayson.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Just love him with all your heart! You and Chris will be wonderful parents. We are still waiting for an instruction manual from the hospital for Morgan! You do the best you can and that is all. Vicki & Carl

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