What You Need When You Need It the Most

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

You know that feeling you get when you hear or read exactly what you need to hear, at exactly the right time?  This quote blessed me so much tonight.  It was exactly what I needed to hear to motivate me to go forward into my day tomorrow.

You see, I have to be on call tomorrow.  I have been more than frustrated with work as of recent.  I have had it.  Like I said in my last post, I was reprimanded by one of my own residents last Thursday for not being in conference, when everyone knew I was out of the country.  Well, it didn’t stop there.

There is one co-resident in particular, who seems to hate me.  She is one of those girls who cannot be happy for any other woman, especially if that other woman is attractive.  She is only happy if she is the only female in a room and the center of attention.  This person will stop at nothing to attempt to get me in trouble- she has lied repeatedly about anything from how I handle specific patients to things I’ve supposedly said.  She takes those lies and tells them to my attendings, who then confront me.  Of course, I handle the situation and set it straight, but I have had it up to my ears in frustration with this backstabbing, vindictive, gossipy, catty chick!!

So on Thursday, I’m post-call, trying to put out 2 separate fires she’s started with my attendings concerning me, and then I get calls and texts from my parents saying my Grandpa, the only living one I’ve ever known, seems to be passing away.  Now, I’m not gonna sugar coat it- he is a stubborn, tenacious, rude, and sometimes weird man who seemed to love confrontation.  He and I have had our issues.  However, it would be short sighted indeed to think that I would be where I am today without him.  Sometimes, all it took was to think about how he ridiculed my dream of going into medicine to push me further towards the very goal which I’ve actually met!  And yes, I’m really sad about the thought of him passing away- like I said, I wouldn’t be who I am and where I am today without him.  So at the mention of him passing, I wanted to be there.  I have always made family a priority- and this is no exception.  However, I am on call tomorrow- the only reason I didn’t leave Friday to go home.  I asked if anyone would switch with me for the extenuating circumstances, so I could go be with my family.  Don’t you know no one could switch with me!  Some just wouldn’t, some legitimately couldn’t.  However- I have gone out of my way to switch with others, even in times that aren’t extenuating.  Of course, when it’s my turn to need someone to switch with me, no one can do it.  So I have to stay and work this stupid shift tomorrow instead of being with my family, where I really need to be.  

So, I’m really wanting to throw in the towel- just quit.  It can’t be worth all of this, can it?  There’s no way.  Then, I read that quote, and I felt a little better.  Even though my presence obviously threatens this one chick at work, I hope there is at least one other girl at work who is inspired by this young blonde doctor in heels and a fabulous pencil skirt.  If I had any message I would want to send to the women I work with, it’s this: You don’t have to fit someone else’s sterotypical ideals to be successful in your own eyes; be true to yourself.  Because at the end of the day, you will have gained respect from the most important person: yourself.  And all the haters and nay-sayers?  Forget them.  Maybe they were too scared to follow their own dreams, maybe they tried and failed.  But you were never doing this for them in the first place.  And these are the lessons that I learned, at least in part, from my Grandfather, who taught me, more than anything, how to stand up for myself.  And for that, I am forever indebted.

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