I had a day…both good and a little sad. Today was the first day of spring that we haven’t had snow around AND we could go outside without boots, jackets, mittens, etc.! It was about 40-ish degrees and sunny from the moment I woke up. I watched the sunrise this morning with a hot cup of coffee- a rare but favorite delight! The sun is so bright when it seems like you haven’t seen it for 6 months!! I feel like I’ve been trapped in the hospital for 6 full months- and it’s good to feel alive again! The sun was so warm on my face, the air was still a little crisp, and the birds were singing! It felt like not only the world around me was thawing from a winter freeze, but I am thawing, too. It’s easy to go numb in the winters both literally and figuratively. I hadn’t felt like myself in AGES, simply because I couldn’t go outside! Finally, it’s spring. At long, long, LONG last!
I am studying so much lately…my boards are this Wednesday. Not looking forward to it, exactly, but definitely am sick of studying and ready to be done with it! Studying is good, I guess, but it affords a lot of quiet time…and then my mind wanders.
I got a little sad today during just such a moment when my mind wandered. I was sad that it has been so long since I have seen very many of my old friends; in some cases, years. Some of them I can’t really even call friends anymore, we’ve drifted so far apart. I thought back to our wedding, and how a lot of those “friends,” whom I thought would’ve supported my wedding or cared about it, did not. After all, I’d supported, if not attended, sent cards, gifts, and thrown showers for all of their major life moments(weddings, babies, graduations), because I love my friends! So, naturally, I thought they would’ve done the same for me, right? Wrong. I didn’t even hear from some of them at all. I called them- some never called back, nor texted, facebooked, etc. Some were downright rude when we did talk–and I had considered those people my good friends! It was painfully clear to me that those people didn’t really want to be friends anymore. And it hurt my feelings…a lot. I know we’re all busy, but when they had their moments, I was there if I could be, and if I couldn’t be I sent gifts, cards, happy emails, FB messages, etc. I made an effort. I got none in return.
But it doesn’t even just stop there. I had family members…yes, family members, who RETURNED my graduation announcements, save the dates, wedding invitations, etc back to me, if you can believe it. It wasn’t bad enough already that they didn’t care about it at all, they had to actually return them to me, as if I had no business sending it to them in the first place. What a slap in the face. I am so not over it, obviously (I am shocked to say). From family, that is inexcusable. I can forgive, and have forgiven, an awful lot of foolishness in the name of family. I realize there was family drama. Which by the way, I personally have had no hand in any of that family drama. Not that it matters. Obviously, they have a problem with me, though, so now I have a huge problem with them. I’m not even sure what I would say were I to run into these people- but boy, they would get an earful. I may look young and sweet (as so many patients tell me), but my profession has required for me to roar like a lion when necessary- and they, at this point, deserve to hear some roaring.
I have spent countless nights crying about these lost friends and family, beating my brains out about what I’ve done wrong, what I could’ve done differently, is there anything worth trying to salvage with those relationships? I still don’t have the answers. I do know that all of the people we meet and befriend are not meant to be in our lives forever. And a precious few are meant to be in our lives forever. Here’s the part that took me until today to realize: we don’t get to choose which people fall in which category. And I need to let go of those people, to stop letting them drag me down-because not a single one of them is worth it. Not one. Jerks. Now if I can just figure out how to do that, I’d be in business!