Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

Time for an intervention.  It’s been a rough day- but not because anything bad happened; I just was in a negative frame of mind.  It was even a sunny day, but I didn’t enjoy it.  To make matters more dramatic, at the crux of my rough-ish day is an existential crisis: I have decided that I am leading a split life, and it’s causing me some grief.  Let me explain.

There’s half of me, The Dr, who takes names & kicks butt.  She goes to work with purpose.  This is her dream, the fruition of all that hard work from years of school & rotations.  She is most fulfilled at work when she feels she has done a job well done.  She is a work-aholic, working at the very least 80 hours a week at work on a slower week, and up to 120 hours a week on a busy week.  She’s nuts.  She’s also everything I’ve ever wanted to be.

Then, there is The Mrs, who loves staying home, making homemade dinner, enjoys a spotless house, finds hours of relaxation in painting & crafting, and loves working out every day.  She adores doing her hair, putting on makeup, and wearing a smashing pair of shoes, even if it’s just to the grocery store.  She’s also nuts, but looks darn good doing it.

I want to be both of these women, but they are almost mutually exclusive.  I can’t have a spotless house and work even just 80 hours a week, and I can’t keep up with my reading for work if I am constantly cooking/crafting/cleaning.  I cannot play both parts as well as I could if I were to just focus on one part; yet, I would not be fulfilled or happy playing only the one part.  For example, if I’m just playing the part of The Dr, I feel hollow, as though I am a shell of a person going through the motions: wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, repeat.  I find no joy or zest in life it the rat race.  However, I have had long vacation months in med school, and after a week, I am itching to go back to work.  There are only so many crafts I can do before I need to do something more concrete.  Somehow, I have got to strike a balance between playing both roles.  Is it even feasible?

4 thoughts on “Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde”

  1. I can kind of understand where you are coming from. I remember when Oliver was about nine months old, I had this huge identity crisis. I was someone's wife, and someone's mommy, but felt like I didn't know who *I* was and didn't know how to maintain my own identity in the mix of being all these other things.

    In the end, you just have to make time for the things you love. Work hard all week, but play on the days you have off. Paint, craft, bake, cook…and enjoy those things! I imagine you feel there are not enough hours in the day to do both, but you have to make time for the things you love or else you'll end up resenting your job and all your hard work will be making you miserable.

    And perhaps someday, you'll figure out which of the two you really felt led to do. Just because Doctor is the hat you wear now doesn't mean that you won't find joy in say, being a stay at home mom (eventually!). There will be signs along the way. Keep your head up and keep doing what you feel God has called you to do! You are always in my prayers. =) Big love!

  2. Lisa-that's good advice! You're absolutely right- I have to make time for the things I love or I absolutely will start to resent my job; it was already beginning! Thank you for prayers/listening/fabulous advice! You are in my prayers, as well! 🙂

  3. It would probably be good if you didn't have to have sooo many hours working. That is draining on anyone, even if they love their job. I'm sure in time and your career advancing, you will find that perfect balance of work and home. 🙂

  4. Welcome to the life of being a working wife (mother). You have to make those choices and work in those fun things. Vicki

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