Time for an intervention. It’s been a rough day- but not because anything bad happened; I just was in a negative frame of mind. It was even a sunny day, but I didn’t enjoy it. To make matters more dramatic, at the crux of my rough-ish day is an existential crisis: I have decided that I am leading a split life, and it’s causing me some grief. Let me explain.
There’s half of me, The Dr, who takes names & kicks butt. She goes to work with purpose. This is her dream, the fruition of all that hard work from years of school & rotations. She is most fulfilled at work when she feels she has done a job well done. She is a work-aholic, working at the very least 80 hours a week at work on a slower week, and up to 120 hours a week on a busy week. She’s nuts. She’s also everything I’ve ever wanted to be.
Then, there is The Mrs, who loves staying home, making homemade dinner, enjoys a spotless house, finds hours of relaxation in painting & crafting, and loves working out every day. She adores doing her hair, putting on makeup, and wearing a smashing pair of shoes, even if it’s just to the grocery store. She’s also nuts, but looks darn good doing it.
I want to be both of these women, but they are almost mutually exclusive. I can’t have a spotless house and work even just 80 hours a week, and I can’t keep up with my reading for work if I am constantly cooking/crafting/cleaning. I cannot play both parts as well as I could if I were to just focus on one part; yet, I would not be fulfilled or happy playing only the one part. For example, if I’m just playing the part of The Dr, I feel hollow, as though I am a shell of a person going through the motions: wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, repeat. I find no joy or zest in life it the rat race. However, I have had long vacation months in med school, and after a week, I am itching to go back to work. There are only so many crafts I can do before I need to do something more concrete. Somehow, I have got to strike a balance between playing both roles. Is it even feasible?