I waited to post until today, because today, G is 8 months old. It’s like someone pressed a button to make life go so much faster than I feel like it went before. It’s apparently been 5 months that I have been back to work since I had him. It feels much shorter than that, but then, at other times, it feels like it could have been an eternity since I had him.
So, yesterday, I was working out at my gym (which is overpriced but plushier and cleaner than the other gyms), and I noticed the same group of older women that always work out in the middle of the day. They are probably about 50-60’s in age and well-to-do, if their loud/ostentatious conversations are any indication, about all the expensive shopping trips and yoga classes and personal trainers and nutritionists. Every time I have ever been stuck in the locker room with them, I always overhear the same conversation about how they think older women are still beautiful, and they don’t want to be “put in a box” by society. I happen to agree with them; I think beauty is more an attitude/way of life than simply the physical aspect. However, while these women may speak of being beautiful at any age or size, they do not act beautiful. They are always so incredibly rude to younger women working out there. They act like anyone under 35 is in their way or somehow inconveniencing them, simply by their presence. I have seen it, over and over. I think it is unacceptable; here they spout about not being judged by their covers, yet they sit and judge younger women the whole time they are at the gym. Maybe they think they are lifting each other up by this kind of language, but I totally disagree. If you have to be rude to someone else to make yourself feel more valuable, the issue you have is within yourself, not the people to whom you are rude.
This notion struck me; I am about to turn 30. Yes, 30. And I have been dreading it. I know, I know, 30 will be wonderful, or so I’ve been told. I have so much to look forward to in this next decade. But I have unintentionally and unknowingly been mourning my youth since, well, maybe honestly since I had Baby G. Let me be totally clear: he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But there are times I do miss being able to go somewhere spontaneously after 7 PM. I miss having time to do my nails, and don’t even get me started on how completely I loathe pumping- think of it- being attached to a machine like a COW all day, every 3 hours. Does absolutely nothing for my self esteem (but worth it for that baby). So, my point (yes, I do have one, lol), is this: I don’t want to age as disgracefully as the women at the gym. I don’t want to constantly compare myself to younger women and feel somehow like less of a woman. I don’t want to cut anyone down to try to build myself up. And I need to stop hating on the body God have me, which gave that baby life. Why do we women have such a tendency to do that? To hate on each other and hate on ourselves? I watch how Baby G stares in the mirror and smiles at himself, probably thinking “That kid over there looks like a cool baby to hang out with!” So at what point does this change, when we start not liking what we see in the mirror?? It’s emotional self-sabotage.
I have encountered these women at the gym and at work; there are women at work that just cannot wait to yell at me. In fact, one such woman caused a very large scene at work while yelling at me. It was the most unattractive and ridiculous attempt at a show of “power” I have ever seen- and, get this, she was yelling at me, even though I was answering the very question she had asked of me! She hates when I’m right about something, as she very much believes that we are not a team, but rather prefers the thought that she owns me and I am her minion. And, as such, I shouldn’t have any contributory thoughts or points to make about anything at all.
So, if we operate from her point of view (i.e., that I am her minion), you can see how she would be upset that one of her underlings “got out of line” with the audacity to suggest, well, anything at all, ever. Except that’s not what I am, that’s not what residents are. Training people to think like doctors doesn’t mean dictating answers to them and micromanaging every move they make. Some people just don’t understand what it means to teach or be a part of a team.
After days like this, weeks like these, I cannot wait to be done with my training and move. Most days, at best, I feel like I don’t belong in this part of the country, and, at worst, I feel like I am in the 7th circle of, well…you get the point. And the cherry on top? The snow had no sooner than melted from the second Polar Vortex, than we are to expect 9-12 inches of snow overnight tonight. I was stewing over this latest most fabulous twist in what is easily the most dreadful winter since I moved up north, when I cam across this quote from Gone With The Wind:
“As God is my witness, as God is my witness, they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again.”
Boom. Take that, Yankee Winter. A good dose of the most Southern Sass this country has got to offer! 😉