All of the last bits of baby blues lifted the first week of July, and slowly I started to regain my old identity. By now, I’m completely myself again, and soooo happy to spend this time with my boy. I am realizing that in 3 short weeks, I have to return to work, and I am so very torn about it.
Half of me is excited to go back to work, to the career I’ve worked so hard to attain, and the people I enjoy so much working with, and to begin my final year of training (eeek!) and be that much closer to finishing my training. I mean, it’s been 12 years of post high-school training…that’s 24 years of education for this career, counting my formative years. I’m so ready to see all that hard work come to fruition! In fact, I have some interviews; my first interview is this Friday!
But….I feel totally guilty over this next part: I am also excited to go back to work because part of me is no good at the stay at home mom thing. I really believe I can be a better mom to Baby G if I maintain part of my own identity/independence. And it has me consumed with guilt. Does that make me a bad mommy because I am not good at the stay at home thing???
And it’s that same voice that has me upset at the
prospect reality of sending him to daycare. The daycare we initially wanted did some dirty business and we ended up without a spot. So our back up daycare is still available…but I don’t love it. I’m hoping we can find something else still. I keep replaying in my head what the one daycare manager said: “Some parents get upset and say they don’t want their infant in the same classroom with the 1 and 2 year old because they’re rough on them, but it’s really what having an older sibling is like. It’s not bad.” Um, I don’t want someone else’s excited baby getting too excited with my infant and being rough with him. I will have a complete FIT. And I don’t appreciate that attitude about how they approach socialization- it has to be safe for my tiny baby!!! And because I also obviously have control freak/perfectionist tendencies which make it hard to leave my child and his daily activities up to a stranger. I mean…are they gonna do his baby yoga with him that helps calm his tummy and give him constructive time to hone his gross motor skills?? Are they gonna sing nursery rhymes in 3 different languages to expose him to different phonemes? No. Are they shake rattles and encourage fine motor development? Maybe if they have time, but their time is split between 4 babies. Are they gonna do all the tummy time we do, encouraging pushing and emphasizing strength training in his muscles? Who knows. This is what happens when a neurologist has a baby…she obsesses about every single developmental milestone, making sure to hit the high points inasmuch as creating a freaking curriculum for her 2 month old baby. I know, I know- I’m one of those nightmare parents. I know. But I really am just concerned about his well being- and why wouldn’t I give him the tools to be successful, especially when it’s my job to know them and assess children for developmental delays and neurological disorders? lol. And this is why I DO love staying at home with him- I can bond with him, love him, feed him, and put all that pediatric neurology to good use (finally, lol).
The reality is that I have to go back to work, regardless of how I feel. Woof. I’ll let you know how that goes!